WHAT SHOULD YOU SAY?

It's 7:00 on a Wednesday, and you've just returned home after a long day. You have a lot of work you have to get done before tomorrow, and you're looking forward to relaxing before you get started. Right as you are getting ready to sit down, tsunami calls.
'I've had a really bad day,' she says. 'Can I come over to talk about it?'

What should you say?


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'I'm sorry, I have too much work to get done tonight, but we'll talk about it tomorrow.'


'Sure, come on over,' thinking that you'll figure out a way to get your stuff done.

When tsunami gets to your place, you can tell she is upset and seems somewhat withdrawn. The family dog had died and her parents had called earlier to tell her. tsunami tells you about how she received the dog as a birthday gift when she was six years old and how she used to play with him all the time when she was growing up.

What should you say?


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'I'm sorry, but I'm sure he's in a better place now.'


'I'm sorry, but you have to remember it's just a dog. People go through worse things every day.'

tsunami seems to ignore your comment and after talking awhile longer she gets ready to leave. As she is heading out the door, her cell phone rings. It's her mom, wanting to know if she can come home tomorrow because they haven't seen her for awhile. tsunami tells her she will call her back to let her know.
When she hangs up, she tells you she has to get her car worked on tomorrow and wants to know if you'll come home with her for the evening. You've met her family before and think that they'll probably still be upset about the dog.

What should you do?


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Agree to go.


Ask if she can wait for you to take her this weekend instead.

As soon as you get home Thursday, you leave to pick tsunami up. As soon as she gets in the car, you can tell she is in a bad mood. When you're driving, she starts critcizing you and tells you that you're following the car in front of you too closely.

What should you say?


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'Thanks for letting me know,' and slow down, knowing she has had a rough week.


'If it weren't for me driving you, you wouldn't even be going home right now,' thinking that just because she is in a bad mood doesn't give her the right to criticize you.
tsunami again seems to ignore your comment. When you get to her house, her family greets her at the door. They haven't seen her in a few months and are excited she is home. They all give her a hug and then her mom turns to you.

What should you do?


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Wait to see if she hugs you first.


Open your arms to hug her.

Dinner is ready so everyone sits down to eat. Halfway through dinner, the doorbell rings. In walks a guy your age. Quickly walking over to tsunami, the guy gives her a hug. tsunami introduces the guy as her parents' next door neighbor whom she grew up with. At one point tsunami is talking to the guy so intently that she ignores what you are saying.
When the guy leaves, the guy gives tsunami a new phone number and tells her to call sometime.

Once you're back in the car, What should you do?


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Not say anything, assuming they are just old friends.


Tell her you would prefer she not call.
tsunami begins talking about the guy and tells you how they grew up together and are old friends. You don't really say anything. Later on the way home, you ask tsunami if she wants to go to dinner tomorrow night. 'I already have plans to go out with my friends,' she tells you. You've gone out many times in the past with her and her friends, so you're surprised when she lets the subject drop without inviting you.

What should you say?


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'Is it a girls night out?


'Is something wrong?'

tsunami tells you that the girls are just getting together to hang out and it's no big deal. You drop her off and nothing more is said about the weekend.

The next night, a friend calls you up and you make plans to go out. You meet up with a bunch of people at a local bar and are sitting off to the side talking when you see tsunami come in with her group of friends.

What should you do?


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Immediately go up to her to say hello.


Stay off to the side, thinking you'll be able to see how she acts when you're not around.


tsunami sees you first and comes over to talk to you and your friends although she seems kind of quiet. Everyone is having a good time and then her friends come up to tell her they're going somewhere else. tsunami says a hurried goodbye and then leaves.

You spend all day Saturday relaxing and getting work done, assuming you and tsunami will do something later that night. It's 6:00 and she hasn't called yet.

What should you do?


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Wait for her to call you.


Call her to find out what's going on for the night.

You end up talking to tsunami around 6:30, but she offers no explanation as to why she didn't call earlier. tsunami tells you she doesn't feel like going out to dinner, but would rather you just come over to her house instead. Usually you spend Saturday nights out doing something together.
Just then, your phone rings. It's your best friend, wanting to know what you're doing tonight. You tell her you're just going to hang out with tsunami. 'Why aren't you two going out to do something?' she asks.

What should you say?


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'I think she is just tired from the week and wants to relax.'


'I'm wondering if something bad happened last night that she wants to talk about.'

You go over to her house later that evening, and you two order pizza and watch a movie. You try to talk to tsunami about why she didn't want to go out and do something, but she says she was just tired and didn't feel like leaving the house.
Later that night, her roommate comes home and tells tsunami her car is acting funny and wants to know if tsunami will look at it with her. They go out into the driveway and while they're outside, you hear a beep. You realize tsunami left her cell phone on the table and that she has a text message.

What should you do?


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Glance through her text messages to see who has been messaging her.


Ignore it and wait for her to come back inside.
tsunami comes back inside and you hangout for awhile longer. When you're walking out the door, you ask if she wants to do something Sunday, like see a movie or go to dinner.

'We always do the same things,' she says. 'Why don't we try to find something different to do?'

What should you say?


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'I'm glad you want to try something new,' thinking that you've been bored with the same things as well.


'Has something been wrong with the things we've been doing?' wondering if she has been bored with the relationship.

tsunami tells you that she has been thinking you two should try some new things, like maybe playing a sport together or something like that because she is getting tired of doing the same things.
On Sunday, your parents call and tell you that your grandma is in the hospital. She has been sick for awhile, so it's not surprising news, but you are still a little upset about it. When you go out with tsunami that night, what should you do?:


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Tell her about your grandma, hoping she will be able to make you feel better.


Not mention your grandma to her, thinking that it might ruin the night.

tsunami is fifteen minutes late picking you up. You call her cell phone and don't get an answer. Another ten minutes goes by.
You call her roommate to see if she knows where she is, but the roommate hasn't seen her all day.
'Where do you think she is?' her roommate asks.

What should you say?


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'I don't know, I'm worried something has happened to her.'


'I don't know, I'm worried she might have forgotten about our plans.'

tsunami finally shows up, explaining that she was at a friend's house and accidentally forgot about your date. You end up going out to dinner with some of her friends--another couple that you don't know well. At dinner, tsunami puts her arm around you and kisses you on the cheek a few times at the table. Later, she reaches for your hand while you're walking to the car with the other couple.

What should you do?


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Gladly hold her hand, happy that she is willing to be expressive around others.


Casually pull your hand back, not comfortable with so many public displays of affection.
tsunami finally shows up, explaining that she was at a friend's house and accidentally forgot about your date. You end up going out to dinner with some of her friends--another couple that you don't know well. At dinner, tsunami puts her arm around you and kisses you on the cheek a few times at the table. Later, she reaches for your hand while you're walking to the car with the other couple.

What should you do?


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Gladly hold her hand, happy that she is willing to be expressive around others.


Casually pull your hand back, not comfortable with so many public displays of affection.


The night ends well and the rest of your week is pretty typical. However, toward the end of the week you start feeling sick and by Friday you don't even feel like getting out of bed. You need to pick up some medicine from the pharmacy, and as you're getting ready to go, tsunami calls and, after you've complained for awhile, offers to go get it for you.

What should you say?


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'Thanks, that'd be great.'


'Thanks, but don't worry about it, I can get it myself.'

tsunami spends the rest of the evening at your house taking care of you. At one point, she gets a call and goes into the other room to answer it. You hear a lot of laughing, and twenty minutes later she comes back and tells you it was her ex calling to say hello. You know that they are still friends and talk occasionally. tsunami asks if you're okay with the fact that she still talks to her ex.

What should you say?


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'Yeah, I'm glad to know you can still get along with people you've dated.'


'Not really, I'm a little worried something may still be going on between you two.'
tsunami continues talking about her ex for awhile and doesn't seem to care whether or not it bothers you. You're starting to feel a little jealous. The week before, someone you used to be interested called to ask you out, but you didn't tell tsunami because it wasn't a big deal to you and you'd more or less forgotten about it. While she is talking about her ex, you suddenly remember the incident and figure she will probably be jealous if you tell her.

What should you do?


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Casually bring up the incident, hoping she will feel a little jealous.


Not mention the incident to her, not wanting her to feel jealous.


You're feeling better by the end of the weekend and back into your routine the following week. You and tsunami usually exchange an email or two during the day, but this week she seems to be emailing and calling a lot more than usual. It doesn't seem like she is checking up on you, just keeping in touch, although some of the emails seem more distant than usual. One afternoon, she sends you three emails, just asking various questions about your day.

When you respond, what should you write?


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I'm glad you want to know how my day is going, but I'm too busy to answer your emails during the day. Can we just talk at the end of the day instead?


Please quit emailing me so much, you know I'm busy and don't have time to answer them.

The following week, tsunami comes over to your place. You are just hanging out and having a good time when you begin to get into a discussion about the relationship. tsunami says she feels that things are getting serious and that you should have a discussion about where things are going.

What should you say?


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'That's a good idea,' figuring it can only help the relationship if you're both on the same wavelength.


'Maybe we should take a break,' figuring she is having second thoughts about the relationship and you should end things before she does.

What do you think of tsunami?

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You and tsunami continue to talk about the relationship, expressing your feelings and how you feel the relationship is going. It's getting late, so you agree to sleep on things and talk about it more the next day.

The End

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Before summarizing your data, we would like for you to rate your perception of tsunami along several dimensions. Please click a circle to indicate how much you agree or disagree with each statement.


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Please rate the following statements with respect to how you think you would evaluate your relationship with tsunami had the relationship been a real one.


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This person is likely to meet my needs.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

This person behaved as if he or she truly loved me.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

This person behaved as if he or she was invested in our relationship.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

This person behaved as if he or she was satisfied with our relationship.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

This relationship would certainly last for more than a year.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

This relationship would not be worth pursuing.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

This relationship is as good as most other relationships.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

I would be quite satisfied in a relationship with this person.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree

This person is someone I could trust.

Strongly Disagree Strongly Agree


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CAN I COUNT ON YOU?


One of the key issues in developing a romantic relationship is whether you believe that your partner will always be there for you emotionally at difficult times. Of course, you never know for sure until the chips are down. But most people are pretty good at predicting whether they have found someone they can always count on. We are interested in how people become confident that a romantic partner will always be there for them. Below, you will find some of the indicators people say they use to make such judgments. Imagine yourself developing a relationship with someone new.

Please rate each indicator to tell to what extent it would increase your confidence that a potential partner will be there for you.


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Would it increase your confidence that a potential partner will be there for you if he or she . . . .

tells you things that he/she doesn't tell to many people

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

loves you very much

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

has interests in common with you

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

is not inconsistent in the things he/she tells you about himself/herself

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

has not betrayed you before

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

says things that portray him/her as tough, but is actually a sweetheart inside

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

stops by or calls when you are sick

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

remembers an upcoming stressful event you mentioned and asks you about it afterwards

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

makes an effort to stay in touch with his/her own family

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

gives you space when you need it, but remains ready to reconnect

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

sacrifices his/her own plans to provide support

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

is outgoing

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

sees relationship with you as destiny

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

doesn't get on your nerves

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

shows understanding about life

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

respects the person you are and are trying to be

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

listens to what you say and responds with interest and attention

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

knows how you feel about something even if you haven't explained it explicitly

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

offers to help you with something without you asking

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

notices changes in your mood and asks if anything is wrong

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

laughs at your jokes even though they are not funny

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

is polite

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

is honest and truthful with you

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

tells you that you are the one for him/her

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

listens fully to what you are saying even when he/she thinks that you are wrong

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

has kept his/her word in prior situations

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

sticks up for you if someone gives you a hard time

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

does not pass judgment on your concerns

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

knows something is wrong even though you haven't said anything

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

doesn't mind being intimate with you in public

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

freely discloses information about self

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

has a nice personality

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

is organized and goal-oriented

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

sees how much you care

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

does not ignore others on the street

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

makes small compromises to accommodate your likes and dislikes

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

asks you if you're OK when getting the feeling that you're not

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

enjoys just being with you even if you don't do something special

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

is friendly to everyone

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

doesn't do things that are irritating to you

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

listens to you and tries to understand your point of view

Would NOT really increase my confidence Would VERY MUCH increase my confidence

In this study you also played a Choose Your Own Adventure like game. In this game, you were asked to imagine yourself in a relationship and, at different points in the story, you were asked to make choices. Importantly, some of these choices were secure responses, such as offering to talk to your partner when he or she was upset, and other choices were insecure, such as not providing support to your hypothetical partner. We are interested in whether people know which decisions are best for a relationship-and how this functions in regard to their attachment styles. Previous research has shown that highly anxious people (i.e., especially those who are preoccupied) tend to respond to real life and fictional relationship conflicts in a manner that has the potential to create greater strife in their relationships. Other people are quite skilled in minimizing the amount of conflict that takes place in their relationships. In this research we wanted to see if people who are higher in avoidance and anxiety know which are the best choices to make in relationships.

For more on-line personality and relationship tests, please visit yourPersonality.net

I just use my code name in this adventure story and you can try your story too by visiting the site mentioned above!